It just fucking hurts right now i don't know why,but it's time to close my eyes and rest this battered body.I've made the choice,and i should just stick to it,hurting and mourning's a process,one that's all too familiar to me.

In my head the reasons for letting go just keeps replaying hoping to cover any trace of regret,or possible regrets.Desperately playing on,to drown out the life once part of me,though it ain't working.I'm not cruel,not cruel enough,life is,and life teaches us to be.

I go to sleep hoping to wake and realise that its all but a dream.
Life never really smiled on me in this area,it did once,but i stupidly let it go.
What's lost now seems ever more precious,ever more priceless.
Is it that hard to just find a person who would love you as much as you would?
Perhaps to teach you how to recognise and cherish,
For it may only just pass by once,never to return.

Tonight's gonna be rough,somehow i just know it.

I've made up my mind,and its time to be straight forward and decisive.

Don't tell me a don't know,cause thats not what i want to hear.

Don't say tomorrow,cause there'd be no tomorrow after tomorrow.

You can choose to avoid,it's not gonna help.

Make it or break it,it's in your hands,

Don't just assume there'd always be a tomorrow,

cause thats not always the case.

It's plain simple,and i truly believe it's all down to what a person really wants.

Don't say it isn't,cause all you need to do is ask and find in your heart the answer.

Don't say it's naive,cause i think nothing else matters,if you're sincere and truly want to try.

Say it's what you want,and say you want me here to stay.

Say it's not what you want,and i will go.

It's that simple,don' fail to comprehend.

Oh my god my cutie's coming to town!And for those who don't know who he is,he's none other than Wang li Hong!I'm bout to die of happiness already!Any people out there wanna go watch his concert!I'm gonna start saving for it already!Nomore crazy eating sprees time.=)

Who said life in Jc is boring and retarded?Alright maybe it's retarded,but definitely not boring.Last week after being branded gay by some teacher,after being caught for using the staff toilet,one would have thought it couldn't get any better.Today,after being caught with dominic for not doing geography tutorials,we're officially lecturers for tomorrow's lecture.Filled with endless sarcasm,"You guys must think you're too good for tutorials eh?Well then you're gonna lecture tomorrow's lecture then!"Wonder what's in store next week,or the weeks after,life's pretty exciting around school,can't deny that.

Shangari's birthday party,couple of us were there,couple weren't.And so here're the people who were there!

Aww man aint that sweet!Ben and shauna!

Was feeling down today,till i came across this and laughed.

Pm Lee is kinda talented actually,he's smart and he does music too.

http://media.libsyn.com/media/mb/tmbs-060822-a_harmless_podcast.mp3

Pain numbs after a while do you know?

I do.

God dammit stop bloody just adding me and then when i ask who the hell you are,you turn around and claim i added you.
Seriously...if one of you guys like shang is posing as some girl please,stop it cause it ain't funny alright.I don't have time for this shit..

Was having econs tutorial today and i spotted Mr happy (the name i gave it) hanging from my classmate's pencil box,i decided to play with it and i learnt the true meaning of smiling no matter what happens.No really,"no matter what".So here goes,Mr happy was strolling happily in the park when he fell and broke his arm...


What happens when one of your arm breaks off?You keep smiling of cause!And just as Mr happy decides to continue living happily with a smile on his face still.But then Vivian decides that
no arms would make him look cuter...thus..


Well he still continued smiling,with both arms gone,=)
Conclusion?If Mr happy can still smile after losing two arms,so can anyone of you!There's no reason for you people to not smile!So start smiling!

So many thoughts and so much feelings felt,but i'd rather not write them out today,don't think its quite the right time.All i have to say is don't be afraid,i won't be there to make you feel that way.

School pretty much can't get any more boring,but life goes on anyway. Only thing i can look forward this week is probably shangri's birthday party,and i haven't even got the present ready.

I have to make time out to go get my bag before it gets sold out or something,then again,time is one thing,company is another.Everyone seems busy nowadays,maybe it's time i got real busy too..

School life broached new heights today in terms of interesting happennings,Timo,dom and me got screwed for using the staff toilet.Well actually it was me who used while they just looked in the mirror and talked.

Ang moh's are somehow more inclined to sarcasm somehow,after acting like we killed someone or tried to set the school on fire,Mr Reynold had to say this two timo and dom,"Well i saw him(me) using the toilet while you two were just standing around looking at him,thank god for that barrier between you and him.Well that was what i saw...." note: If you wanna say that someone's gay,please just say it instead of beating around that blueberry bush or durian bush or whatever bush you want to beat about.It's darned irritating.

Seriously felt like dissing him by walking off,i can't tolerate sarcasm the among most things,especially when i'm not allowed to hit back.

There're many teachers in the school one can hate or adore,and seriously i won't have much to complain bout if he acted like simon reynold instead of "simon cowell".Can't believe i'm bloody complaining bout this,i'm becoming a bitch.

 
One fine yesterday when i reached home.And upon stepping into the house my lil brother came scampering to the door with a smirk on his face,"Da ge!Da ge! (Big brother) See i got new phone!By the way it's a toy one,and boy do they look real.

Just realised today that i'm kinda weird,and contradictory.
I have a penchant for spicy food,but perspire like crazy while eating them.
I hate the sun and sweating,but i love doing sports.
I'm motivated,yet darn lazy.
I think my brother's irritating,but cute too.=)


`There're so many reasons why we shouldn't be together,

and why we're better off apart.

But there's one reason,that defies all that,

and that is because i love you.

Just that alone would suffice,i think..

Every story has an ending

Every head comes with a tail..

Every night i look up to the sky,and among that resplendent sight of stars i look for one

One that i named so many nights ago,one called "us"

Seeing it brings me back,back to when  the "i love you's" were true with no veil of lies

Those moments i kept in my heart,in case one day we became apart

For at least theres a place for me to go,a you i could still see,one that wouldn't hurt me.

Much as it's gonna hurt,i'm gonna have to do it,

Show me it's what you want,don't tell me to wait.

Come monday,i'd be gone,and though i know you won't,but don't cry for me

It'd be easier for you,for you no longer have to be under scrutiny of others when you meet him
 

Falling down,exhausted physically and mentally.

Why mentally?When i shouln't be..

So little time,i can't afford to fall sick,

So much things both work and personal to make right.

Pass me the panadol,i need it for tonight. 

Head's spinning and i'm feeling nauseous.

And i still have to rush through econs essays,argh!

Need a puke pill to feel better now.
 

I must say i despise that fella more and more,if you want to know,why not ask me straight in the face you loser?
You had to send your "messenger" to come ask me,and so what if you do know?
You warrant zero respect from me,and in my eyes you're but a moron whose lost a guy's honour. 

Alright,i'm gonna pen down some of two cents worth of thoughts,and some boring stuff that happened over the past two days.

Saw a friend of mine on the bus,and we talked a little.But midway i got a little unhappy after realising he's trying to woo this girl even though he's attached.Man it's this kinda stuff that really makes me view life in a negative way.I think in life the biggest thing people fail to grasp is something called cherish.Take him for example,he has a nice girl whose willing to wait and meet him,even though they're in different schools.For someone to do that i think it means alot,or probably something.Felt like knocking some sense into him,but i held back cause it'd probably jeopardise this friendship.

Geography is getting quite demoralising,haha,after presenting my "explanation"my teacher lambasted "YOUR EXPLANATION IS RUBBISH!GO AWAY!"Well guess i can't blame her,it was pretty shitty and she was in a bad mood.Being a nice and understanding guy like me,i've decided it was more of funny than saddening.=)

Went to meet my form teacher before i came home today too,and i guess my life's pretty screwed up and all.She kinda drilled into me some stuff bout not skipping chinese lessons,and asked bout me.Must have been that morning when she saw me staring into space looking like my pet dog died or something.I didn't tell her the truth but i guess she saw through it.Didn't exactly tell her today though she prompted me again.Much as i would say that she's over naggy and all,i have to admit she cares alot too.

Caught click yesterday,and i think it's a great movie to watch!Amusing,but with it carried a meaning too.It made me realise that life isn't bout being smooth sailing and perfect,and that every moment happy or sad is just like the bits and pieces of life's jigsaw puzzle.Was closed to tears during some parts of the movie,(Yea i know i know,guys ain't supposed to do that but i'm half gay like i said =x)and i think the saddest part was probably when he went back in memory to go back to when he last saw his dad.He saw himself ignoring his dad,and hurting his dad without battling an eyelid,leaving his dad walking away in tears.And the part when he found out that the girl who loved him so much leave for another guy.

I liked the part when she wrote on a piece of tissue paper to him,"Will you still love me in the morning?"
And he wrote back,"4eva and eva!"Gee!So sweet right!

They say time heals all, but without you by my side, time stands still



- Unknown

You don't know

You can't see

What really goes on

Inside of me

My eyes shield

How I feel inside

You don't know

How much I've cried

My mouth restricts

What I'd really say

And make you think

I'm perfectly okay

I know you tried

You mean well

But I have things

I'd never tell

To truly laugh

To really smile

Is something I haven't

Done in a while

You'll never know

How I really feel

I don't know how long

It will take to heal.

Just know that

I still love you

After everything

That I've been through.

You'll never see

Inside my mind

I'm protecting you

From what you'd find.

I protect you because

I love you so.

This is my pain

You'll never know.

 

 
Ha got sent this pic and told that if i don't smile i'd look like this.Guess i'd have to smile now!=)

Seems like just yesterday,

You were a part of me,

I used to stand so tall,

I used to be so strong,

Your arms around me tight,

Everything it felt so right,

Unbreakable like nothing could go wrong,

Now I can't breathe,

No I can't sleep,

I'm barely hanging on,



Here I am,

Once again,

I am torn into pieces,

Can't deny it,

Can't pretend,

Just thought you were the one,

Broken up deep inside,

But you won't get to see the tears I cry,

Behind these hazel eyes,



I told you everything,

Opened up and let you in,

You made me feel alright,

For once in my life,

Now all that's left of me,

Is what I pretend to be,

So together but so broken up inside,

'Cause I can't breathe,

No I can't sleep,

I'm barely hanging on,

Swallowed me then spit me out,

For hating you, I blame myself,

Seeing you it kills me now,

No I don't cry On the outside anymore..

`Kelly clarkson,Behind these hazel eyes

You've made it clear,and i'll keep my word and go,
You'd be happy i know,and thats what matters. 

I shan't look back,with tears in my eyes,
for every tear is a sign i can't let go.

Your crossing into my life has given me the happiest and saddest moments,
I've been changed,both my perception and myself.

How am i to piece together something that was shattered twice,
the remnants so small,naked to the eye.

I said i'd marry you someday,something i can no longer keep,
But it is something i would repeat.

`Now thanks to you...I'm scared to fall in love again. First of all, you broke my heart when I expected you to be the last one to do it. And now I'm left with my heart broken and in pieces and you don't even bother to notice. It's sad because all along I thought you knew me better than everyone else....but now I am starting to wonder if you even knew me at all.

Don't ask me to assume,don't ask me to just go,
There should be no regrets or looking back.

I know what i want,yes i really do,
but i don't know about you.

You make it sound easy for me,but that's just plain untrue.
It's no less easier for me than it is for you.

You say i'd never want to decide on anything before,
then let me know bout how you feel and i'd do this even if it were the last time.

So many words left unsaid,and so much feelings left to fade.
Erase it truly,or paint the colours back,whatever you do don't leave it to stand.

I know i am but a bore,a thorn in your flesh,or probably more.
But please just let me know.

I'm trying my best to handle this well,
but how can i do it alone?

Would you not feel how i feel,this hurt inside.

Just when i thought i was gonna be alright,just when i thought i would sit tight.
Stupid me went to read this blog,and now that stupid me is just plain pissed.
Makes me wonder if that bastard had any dignity,and makes me wonder if that jerk called himself a guy.

It seems what i intend to try to do is a feable attempt,to bow down and walk away.
But no it isn't,it's because right now this isn't the solution,this is but a torture.
I hate every bit of it,plain bitterness,hardly any sugar.
I'm binded by shackles,and it burns through my skin,into my veins and deep into thy heart.

Mustn't let another tear fall down...
and no i mustn't let my smiles fall apart..

S23 girls!Wait,notice a guy there??
*Cough* Cough * cam* whore* alert cough!* ;)

Class photo!Dom and me with retro shades!Weird but cool!=p

=)

Our pretty girls!

No prizes for noting the camwhore again!

 

It's fun to be out sometimes with a whole bunch of crazy people at night,we went to the sky garden at suntec after dinner.View was cool,and the place was just serene,and somehow lively at the same time.

We went to the playground downstairs my house,just the four guys and just talked.The thing bout sharing sessions sometimes,is that you'd feel alot better,cause you know its not just your life thats shit.Jin xian as usual,with his "honest and humble" opinions never fails to make me ponder.He's the kind whose straight forward,added with a drop of laughter and a whole load of sarcasm.But thats the thing i like most about him,honesty.And inevitably the talk would come to girls,and somehow i think deep down i already knew what he and most would say.

If it were me in his shoes i'd say the same,but it's a pity i'm not,and i guess only i truly know how i feel.They say i'm coping well and all,almost coping too well,but fact is i'm not.Who can truly feel the hurt deep inside,that i refuse to let it show on my face.Who would know the sleepless nights,and the tears that really fell.

But i know that this has to have a conclusion without anyone's advice,and i know i must find it for only then would everything be definite and clear.Rui will smile again,and through that once tear stained face,you will know he is truly happy again.

I've come to realise alot of things through this chapter of my life even though it hasn't truly closed yet,and through that i've come to regret even more something i regretted long ago.But i guess it's life,the true value and meaning is often found when you lose it.I must smile,for i have given the best gift,i have loved truly with my heart.Cliche as it may sound,i know it's true,for only i know the things i would have done for you.Rui will promise himself here,he will be happier,cause he has realised he should smile for it happened,and not cry because it ended

 

Fireworks display was great,and i loved every moment of it.
And when it ended there came a sigh of pity and a breath of sadness.

Just like the display,magnificent and breathtaking.
It captivates and mesmerises,leaving you wanting more.
It's splendour and beauty fast forwards time,
Leaving the moment far back behind.

It's just like the display,i loved it so,yet i hated and dreaded the end...

P.s thank you for tonight.=)

Slowly,and unknowingly it crept down his cheek,staining them.
As the heart beat,and pulse throbbed,each beat and throb carried pain and hurt beyond words.
Whoever said it won't hurt?It does,and it had to come while he was missing her..

Death when granted in a swift stroke,is a gift.
Death that comes slowly and painfully,leaves one begging for one lethal stroke.
Don't leave him hanging there as pain flows through each and every vein,
it hurts truly...

 
Stuffed ourselves silly eating buffet,and god i've finally found out what's the worst feeling you can have in the world!It's being bloated till you're gonna explode,and laughing at the same time!We just kept laughing and laughing,and this was one of the times we just couldn't figure why we can't stop laughing!

But it's also times like this i'd miss,laughing like a kid with my friends,at nothing,and it can't stop cause laughing sudddenly became contagious.=) Laughing is such a tiring thing to do,but laughing like a nutball with your friends is also a memorable thing.

Saw this quote and i found it pretty true!Oh well,if it doesn't seem true at all why would it be called a quote right?Silly me!

` Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile,but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.

Ok i've decided!I'm gonna learn how to play the guitar from timo!
And when i've mastered it,i'm gonna compose a song for my girl when the time comes,and if theres a girl.=x
That shall be one of my goals for this year other than attempting to get a six pack,which is carried from a year back.
 

And i thought it was true,and i believed.What you said,and what you asked for.Apparently i shouldn't have put in that much faith or to even believe.

Just when i thought things would change like the way you said it would,just when i thought it was gonna be alright.Really,thanks for trying to make it look like you cared,if it's not bout spending time together than what is it?Might as well ask me to get some girl off the street huh?

Screw this,why did i even have to bother,i'm sick of disappointment.

Superbly long day today,and they say tpjc's a slack school.Got off around 6,exhuasted and all yet
again.I freaking hate geography and i'm seriously all for dropping it or just giving it up if possible.
Marching practice again today,but it's the last already!=) Timo's teammates were there again
today and and didn't make them laugh for the second time!

First time in uniform today and i feel weird,wonder if i look peculiar or funny in it.It felt weird with
my guy friends fussing over my uniform,helping me wear it properly and all.Lil weird,kinda like its
your wedding day or something.=x

And yet again friday is here!Weekends are so precious now,the only time when i can carry a little
hope and look forward to something though it's often disappointment that's served to me.

To you i'm always asking for too much,when it's a basic and simple thing of just spending time together and doing things together like what any other would do.Yet to you that's so hard,and it's "draining" you of your life.We hardly even get to,and best of all we hardly even get to talk properly,but it doesn't seem to bother you one bit.

And while i had rock climbing,you could have bothered to come support me or be there,yet you were elsewhere with some guy shopping.I'm so sick of guys now,WHEN WILL YOU EVER GET IT?Or will you never?All this while i'm practically struggling to cope with that,and that shit had to happen.And after that i'm supposed to cope with it yet again?Put yourself in my shoes for once,and just see in my perspective for once too.It's a dead sensitive thing and you're not making things easier for me all this while.

Looking at your blog just somehow gets to me,never short of guys for sure,any person who isn't blind can see.You're stressed,you're drained,so am i.And i'm getting sick of your "guys",call me possesive i don't think i'd care,under this circumstance i don't think any guy would feel right.

Pissed,disappointed,and anything negative.
God dammit what the hell is wrong,
and what is it you want now?
Maybe thats why i understand so well,on how you feel just.
Cause i'm in the exact same pair of shoes as you.

Today everything was fine except for that freak rock climbing incident,and i'm thankful for the fact
that i'm still sitting here fine and well.The thought of how it happened was just eerie and almost
fiction like.

I remember clearly,not vividly that i buckled my safety harness and it took me a minute to do so.
And during the climb,the harness apparently was totally unbuckled and i was kinda high up.
Thank god i made it down alright,but the worst thing was i hardly felt anything.
No fear,no emotions,just nothing.Is this a sign i'm becoming less human or is it that i'm too 
tired to feel anything.

What i can't figure out is how the two IC failed to see that major flaw,even though he was buckling
me through the harness itself.Life was bad and it just got worst,can't even have fun without it being
screwed up.

Thought i'd see you there,but it turned out to be foolish thinking on my part.Disappointed?Yes,
and just when i thought you cared.When all the other couples are fighting for time together,you have to be different.If you don't want that,then why bother holding on?What do you want then i wonder..

`As the sands of time flows away,you're hardly reaching out to just grab them. 

GOD i totally regret getting a haircut cause i look like a retard in the class photo.Grr..i'm gonna swear i'd never get it cut short anymore!Only trimming in future!Not even if Dear chicken little threatens me anymore!

I'm dead beat,totally exhausted from this couple of days,argh been sleeping in class yet again.
Anyway it's been pretty fun too,and rock climbing's such a fun thing to do!
Went for rock climbing yesterday to "test waters" and i realised i'm half afraid of heights!=x
Well it wasn't totally my fault,it was pretty high,and it was my first time up there!

Whatever i do i never fail to be a joke,from marching to rock climbing,i'm like fodder for people's amusement or something,screwing up and all.
I guess today ain't really a bad day,skipped p.e for the first time and i hardly even felt a tinge of guilt.I must be contracting the "pon king's" spirit.(Pon = skip)
And i'm jubilant that noone laughed at my marching!=D And it's not because there wasn't anyone there to!Banana captain's teammates were there and they didn't laugh!I consider that my biggest achievement yet in tpjc.And yes its because i'm bad at it.

Interesting day tomorrow,cause it's the rock climbing competition!And my goal is pretty simple,to not look as pale as tofu when i touch down on the ground.I'm gonna be brave and try to carry out some "machoism"!